Me and my Stupid Mind !!

Today again I feel like writing something. May be because I can not find anyone else to
talk. Today I have been thinking a lot. Many topics came through my mind. One point of time I was thinking whether God exists or not..I was not in that 'disappointed' moment to think 'Why he put me in this situation or whatever' ..but just like that..This thought is actually coming to my mind atleast for the 3rd time in last one week.

Actually we all are programmed to be afraid of everything...afraid of all the negative/positive things.guilty about everything being done..Dont do this..dont do that...this is sin..that is sin...all those from childhood is actually closing the doors of freelance thinking !!

I was/is actually afraid, guilty of each and everything i did in my life..guilty about everything..I can cry now thinking about something I did 15 years back!!..So much frustrated.Why is it like that?

Where did I lose that zeal to live? 28 years of life in this world. I can not remember a single decision which 'I' (or influenced by others- most of the time) took made my life happier.

I was/am always a crying baby.hmm..That may be the reason! Or ..I dont know what made my life so miserable! But they say 'Only crying baby gets the milk'! bullshit...

Till date I am not successful in understanding myself ateast..I will be confused if someone asks me questions like 'What is your passion?', 'What is your ambition?' , 'What is your hobby?', 'Who is your best friend?', 'Which is your favourite food?' etc..Even the simplest of simple questions about me I can not answer!

This is pathetic right? To a great extend i think (now- in this mood of thinking) that I am the sole responsible person for this. Can I do something to get out of it? Even if I get a second chance(which will never happen!) will I do justice?(i dont know how or what!! ) ,hmm, something which can revamp my lost life? I am not sure.

Me and my Stupid Mind!! Me and my stupid thoughts!! Me and my stupid self!!

May 16th - The day without a name

I dont know how long I will hold the hand he kissed
I dont know how long I will sit like this lost in the moment
I am realising that the smell I hate most is no longer a smell that I hate
I just want to fall into sleep now..this moment

A deep impression has been made on my hand
Sealed with lots of affection
A deep wound has been made on my heart
Sealed with lots of pain

This day is another unforgettable day of my life
I would like to call this day a day of relief
Or should I call this day the day I died?
Or should I call this day the day I never want to happen again?

This is the day without a name
This is the day which just happened
This is the day which is  lost forever
This is the day on which I died.

I was thinking about my life in a 5 degree angle ..;)

At different points of my life, I had thought about this life as, as useless as a garbage bin. I found nothing, which was worth a look in the life. I never thought that I can ever be happy in a married life.
But now I feel so stupid of myself. If I had not agreed for a marriage!! I can’t imagine.
I feel blessed ... I am enjoying each and every moment of my life with the gifts my LORD has bestowed upon me. My Husband’s love and care, my daughters laugh and play, my parents prayers and love, my sister’s affection and love, my brother’s care..

Akaleyenkilum nin mandahasam njan kaanunnu
Akaleyenkilum nin hrudayaspandanam njan kelkkunnu
Mazhapeythirangunna ee raavil
Ninnnude ormakal ente ullil pranayam viriyikkunnu..

When I closed my eyes, I saw you inside,
When I opened my eyes, I saw you there,
I cant sleep, just because of you
I woke up, just like another day..

Part of me I hate the most

I desperately wanted to scribble something or else my heavy heart will pour the salty water.
This is part of me worrying about nothing. Just nothing. Crying inside. Lost.
I feel alone though everyone is around me
I feel hungry though my stomach is full
I feel lost though i am in a well planned world
I feel cheated though i have a blessed life!
This is part of me,
Not deserving to be part of the world.
I feel like a wilted rose getting crushed under the boots,
thirsty for a single drop of water, for a breath of air..!
No one can help me except HIM, my Lord.
Ohh..this is part of me I hate the most.

I dreamt a dream- Feb 2009

I dreamt of traveling through the mystic beauty of the world
I dreamt of whirling deep into the ocean blues
I dreamt of meeting the angels guarding the human beings
I dreamt of talking to the fairies who talks only in the tales
I dreamt of the rarest of rare aliens in those worlds
I dreamt of waking from the sleep of the dead
I dreamt of talking to the souls of the beloveds died so before
I dare to dream….the impossible……
I still dare to dream….