I Hope

 I Hope..

    it's okay to feel lost..

    it's okay to slow down..

    it' okay to let go..

    it's okay to just breathe..

    it's just okay!!!

            

kozhinja baalyam

ithramel thoraathey peyyunna thanutha mazhayil
nananja pachapudava chutti nilkkum lajjavathiyaaya bhoomi pole
ullam kulirthu njan nokki nilpu,
ottumanangathey njan kaathu nilpu,
nin varavinnayi;ninnude madangivaravinay.

thalirila pozhinju veenu maamboomanamulla theruveediyil
imakal chimmathey njan nokki nilpu
idamuriyaathey njan kaathu nilpu..
nin varavinnayi;ente pranante madangi varavinnayi..

engottennu ariyilla;evidekkennu ariyilla
evide poyi ennottumariyilla
chinthakale bhandanasthayakki nadannakalumbol
orikkalenkilum orthukoode
nirjeevamayorenne, enne, enthiningane ekaaki aakunnennu

nidrathan chirakileri ningal
cheru ormakalayi kannupothi kalikkumbol
ningalude mazhavillin niramulla chirakukale kandu
njan etramel aananda nruthamaadunnathenno


kozhinja baalyam murinja swapnamennaro parenjuvo
kayyil kittiya kaalathey chavittimethikkumbol
ennile njan arinjirunnilla..ninnude nashtam
orikkal nombaramakumennu..oru aathmagathamayi marunemmu..
ennude antharangathinte thengalukal nertha shabdanagalay marumennu..




 

Floating high and deep at the same time :)

My eyes are closed;
Am I hearing some vague sound?
Am I falling asleep?
I cannot feel my hands and legs

Where am I?
Oh! I can see me there
Lying flat on the floor
Flies buzzing around my ears and nose

I can feel the air around me
I feel like floating
Lots of people running
Vehicles coming here and there

Clouds as white as snow
Moving past kissing my cheeks
Silver stars falling from top
I am stuck between a thunder and rainbow

Someone please wake me up
Else I will forget to wake up
I have many things unaccomplished
I can now just cry futile and lost.

March 3rd - 2013

I hate silence
For it makes my mind starved
I hate silence
For it kills my thoughts

I love to be amidst people
I love to be alone amidst people..

vaardhakya chinthakal (വാര്‍ധക്യ ചിന്തകള്‍)

vardhyakyam baadhichirikkunnu
ente chinthakale
tholikal chukki chulinja
oru padu vridhayaayirikkunnu njan

oodi thalarnnu njan;
ksheenichu valenju.
odinju thoongiya asthikal
eanthi valichu njan oodunnu pinneyum

kundum kuzhikalum matramulla
ee jeevithapandhavil
kalidarunnu palappozhum..
thappi thadanjulla e yaathrayil
nertha eangalukalayi maarunnu njan;
karinja chirakumayi vanamembadum
kooduthedi alayunnu njan.

ente raktha dhamanikal valinju murukunnu,
visham athilkoode ozhukunna pole oru vimmishtam .
thalachoru potti chitharunnu,
nilathu chitarikidakkunna avaye urumbarikkunnu.
kazhukanmar vattamittu parakkunnu,
ente cheenju naarunna shavam kothipparikkan.
Kaathirikkunnu njan,
baaki ullava puzhu arichu mannilekku cheraan.

*************************

വാര്‍ധക്യം ബാധിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു
എന്റെ ചിന്തകളെ
തൊലികള്‍ ചുക്കിച്ചുളിഞ്ഞ
ഒരു പടു വൃധയായിരിക്കുന്നു ഞാന്‍

ഓടി തളര്‍ന്നു;
ക്ഷീണിച്ചു വലെഞ്ഞു.
ഒടിഞ്ഞു തൂങ്ങിയ അസ്ഥികള്‍
ഏന്തി വലിച്ചു ഞാന്‍ ഓടുന്നു പിന്നെയും

കുണ്ടും കുഴികളും മാത്രമുള്ള
ഈ ജീവിത പന്ഥാവില്‍
കാലിടറുന്നു പലപ്പോഴും..
തപ്പിതടഞ്ഞുള്ള ഇ  യാത്രയില്‍
നേര്‍ത്ത തേങ്ങലുകള്‍ ആയി മാറുന്നു ഞാന്‍ ;
കരിഞ്ഞ ചിറകുമായി വാനമെമ്ബാടും
കൂടുതേടി അലയുന്നു ഞാന്‍.

എന്റെ രക്ത ധമനികള്‍ വലിഞ്ഞു മുരുഉന്നു,
വിഷം അതില്കൂടെ ഒഴുകുന്ന പോലെ ഒരു വിമ്മിഷ്ടം.
തലച്ചോറ് പൊട്ടി ചിതറുന്നു,
നിലത്തു ചിതറികിടക്കുന്ന അവയെ ഉരുംബരിക്കുന്നു.
കഴുകന്മാര്‍ വട്ടമിട്ടു പറക്കുന്നു,
എന്റെ ചീഞ്ഞു നാറിയ ശവം കൊത്തിപ്പരിക്കാന്‍ .
കാത്തിരിക്കുന്നു ഞാന്‍,
ബാക്കി  ഉള്ളവ പുഴു അരിച്ചു മണ്ണിലേക്ക് ചേരാന്‍.

The Mask :)

Disappointment is my sibling. Distress is my partner.
I find solace in the agony which breaks my heart.
I enjoy being rejected; I enjoy being humiliated
Laugh is the best weapon, and the best mask!

In the dark I let my mind fly high
In the dark I speak to the inner me
In the dark I try to live my unlived life
In sleep i find my absolute hideout.

life is a stupidity

karayuvan enikku saadhikkunnilla
ente kannuneerellam vatti oru varanda maruboomi kanakke aayirikkunnu.
nirvikarathayude moodupadam aniyichu
njan maati nirthan shramikkunnu ennte virakollunna chinthakale;
marikkuvan enikku bhayamanu allenkil njan enne aathmahathya cheyyumayirunnu
nithyamaya aa narakathile theenaalangal enne vizhunguvaan kuthichu varunnu..
eathu kadalile vellam kondu athinte veeryam keduthuvan enikku saadhikkum?

ente kannukal mayangunnu..thurukkuvan saadhyamakunnilla
ardhamizhikalal njan e lokam kaanunnu..onnum vyakthamakunnilla
aarkko vendi jeevikkunna oru paazh janmamayi theernnuvallo njan snehicha ente ee jeevitham!
ennum njan enne matrame snehichirunnullo? alla . enikku enne thanneyum snehikkan kazhiyunnilla
sneham enna vikaram oru nirvikaram mathramanenikkinnu
oru cheenju naariya azhukku chaal pole ente jeevitham naattam vamippichu thudangi
ente kayyil ninnum ente jeevitham vazhuthi poyirikkunnu
agaathangalil ninnu agaathangalileykku
nithyavum thee eriyunna smashanathileykku..

jalpanangal

pranayapoorithayayirikkunnu njan..

niranjukavinjozhukunna oru thenkudamayi
nee entey ulline madhurithamakkiyirikkunnu
ninte chuduchumbanangal ente ullile
kaamukiye pulakamaniyichirikkunnu
ninte pranayalolupamaya nottangal
enne durbalamakkiyikkunnu
ente pranayaswapnangaile pranayame
ninne pulkaan ente ullam vaanchikkunnu
-----------------------------------------
പ്രണയപൂരിതയായിരികകുന്നു ഞാന്‍
നിറഞ്ഞുകവിന്ജോഴുകുന്ന ഒരു തെങ്കുടമായി
നീ എന്റെ ഉള്ളിനെ മധുരിതമാക്കിയിരിക്കുന്നു
നിന്റെ ചുടു ചുമ്പനങ്ങള്‍  എന്റെ ഉള്ളിലെ
കാമുകിയെ പുലകമനിയിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു
നിന്റെ പ്രനയലോലുപങ്ങളായ നൊട്ടങ്ങള്‍
എന്നെ ദുര്‍ബലമാക്കിയിര്‍ക്കുന്നു
എന്റെ പ്രണയ സ്വപ്നങ്ങളിലെ പ്രണയമേ ,
നിന്നെ പുല്‍കാന്‍ എന്റെ ഉള്ളം വാഞ്ചിക്കുന്നു ..

chinthakalude veliyettam

manushyamanassinte thaalam thettunnathu eppozhanu? manushyante chinthikkan ulla kazhivu nashtapedumbol avante manassinte thaalam thetti. atho vivechana budhi nashtapedumbol aano manassinte thalam thetti ennu urappikkan kazhiyunnathu?
atho mattenthikilum margadendam undo?
palapozhum njan enne thanne oru muzhu bhranthiyaayi sankalppikkarundu. aarem thirichariyan kazhiyaathe...eppozhum karenju karenjirikkunna..allel eppozhum potti chirikkunna oru muzhu bhranthiyayi njan ennethanne manassinte bhavana srishtiyil menenjedukakrundu. oru suprabhathathil njan aa avasthayil aayal ente priyappettavarude prathikaranam enthaayirikkum ennu vare palappozhum njan chinthikkarundu.

rahasyathilenkilum kurachu neram njan oru muzhu bhranthi aayenkilennu njan aagrahichittundu..ippozhum palappozhum njan aagrahikkunnu ennte bodhamandalam chiraku vachu engottekkenkilum parannu poyenkilennu. oru tharathil ulla olichottam. enthil ninnokkeyo ninnulla rakshapedal. anganeyenkilum ente manassinu moksham labhikkumo? samshyam aanu.karanam athrakandu undu ente anubhavangal. athil ninnum enikku orikkalum mukthi illa. ente pravruthikalude anantharabhalamaya aa vizhuppukettu ente anthyam vareyum njan chumannu kondirikkanam.palappozhum durgandham parathi njan athum peri nadakkukayanu. ente koode nadakkunnavarem aa nattam badhikkamallo ennu orkkumpol oru minnalpinar polulla vedana ente ullil evideyo udichasthamakkinnu. mullappoovinte manam matram allallo kallinu ealkkunnathu!

മറ്റൊരു ഭ്രാന്ത്

ഒരു ആമ തല വലിക്കുംപോലെ ഞാന്‍ എന്‍റെ ജീവിതം ഉള്ളിലേക്ക് വലിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു എന്ന് ഞാന്‍ തിരിച്ചറിയുന്നു . ഞാന്‍ പോലും അറിയാതെ എന്തില്‍ നിന്നൊക്കെയോ ഞാന്‍ ഒളിച്ചോടുക ആയിരുന്നു. ഇപ്പൊ എന്നെ തന്നെ മറന്നു പോകുമോ എന്ന് ഞാന്‍ ഭയക്കുന്നു. തിരികെ വരാന്‍  ഉള്ള വഴിയും നിശ്ചയം ഇല്ലാതെയായിരിക്കുന്നു. ചുറ്റും ഇരുട്ട് വീഴും പോല്‍. മഴ പെയ്യആരായീരിക്കുന്ന കാര്‍മേഖം പോലെ ഇരുണ്ടിരിക്കുന്നു .

ജീവിതത്തിന്റെ സുഗനധം എവിടെയാ നസ്ടപെട്ടെതെന്നു ഞാന്‍ ഓര്‍ക്കുന്നില്ല. ഞാന്‍ തന്നെ തല്ലി ഉടച്ച പളുങ്ക് കൊട്ടാരം കണക്കെ എന്റെ ജീവിതം നിലത്തു വീണ് കിടക്കുന്നു. അനേകം മുഖങ്ങള്‍ എനിക്കതില്‍ കാണാം. പലപ്പോഴായി എന്റെ ജീവിതത്തില്‍ കയറി ഇറങ്ങിയ മുഖങ്ങള്‍ . ചിലത് പരിചയം ഉള്ള. ചിലതഉ മറന്നു പോയവ. ചിലത് ഒരുപാട് ആലോചിച്ചാല്‍ ഓര്‍ത്തെടുക്കാന്‍ കഴിയുന്നവ.

ഇതെല്ലം ആണേലും ഞാന്‍ പരിശ്രേമിക്ക ആണ് കൈവിട്ടു പോകാതെ ഇരിക്കാന്‍. തുള്ളി പുളഞ്ഞു ചാടാന്‍  പോകുന്നു മത്സ്യ കുഞ്ഞു കണക്കെ പിടിയുകയാണ് എന്റെ ഉള്ളം. അറിയില്ല എന്റെ മുഷ്ടി എത്ര നേരം ഇറുകെ പിടിക്കാന്‍ കഴിയുംന്നു.

Me and my Stupid Mind !!

Today again I feel like writing something. May be because I can not find anyone else to
talk. Today I have been thinking a lot. Many topics came through my mind. One point of time I was thinking whether God exists or not..I was not in that 'disappointed' moment to think 'Why he put me in this situation or whatever' ..but just like that..This thought is actually coming to my mind atleast for the 3rd time in last one week.

Actually we all are programmed to be afraid of everything...afraid of all the negative/positive things.guilty about everything being done..Dont do this..dont do that...this is sin..that is sin...all those from childhood is actually closing the doors of freelance thinking !!

I was/is actually afraid, guilty of each and everything i did in my life..guilty about everything..I can cry now thinking about something I did 15 years back!!..So much frustrated.Why is it like that?

Where did I lose that zeal to live? 28 years of life in this world. I can not remember a single decision which 'I' (or influenced by others- most of the time) took made my life happier.

I was/am always a crying baby.hmm..That may be the reason! Or ..I dont know what made my life so miserable! But they say 'Only crying baby gets the milk'! bullshit...

Till date I am not successful in understanding myself ateast..I will be confused if someone asks me questions like 'What is your passion?', 'What is your ambition?' , 'What is your hobby?', 'Who is your best friend?', 'Which is your favourite food?' etc..Even the simplest of simple questions about me I can not answer!

This is pathetic right? To a great extend i think (now- in this mood of thinking) that I am the sole responsible person for this. Can I do something to get out of it? Even if I get a second chance(which will never happen!) will I do justice?(i dont know how or what!! ) ,hmm, something which can revamp my lost life? I am not sure.

Me and my Stupid Mind!! Me and my stupid thoughts!! Me and my stupid self!!

May 16th - The day without a name

I dont know how long I will hold the hand he kissed
I dont know how long I will sit like this lost in the moment
I am realising that the smell I hate most is no longer a smell that I hate
I just want to fall into sleep now..this moment

A deep impression has been made on my hand
Sealed with lots of affection
A deep wound has been made on my heart
Sealed with lots of pain

This day is another unforgettable day of my life
I would like to call this day a day of relief
Or should I call this day the day I died?
Or should I call this day the day I never want to happen again?

This is the day without a name
This is the day which just happened
This is the day which is  lost forever
This is the day on which I died.

I was thinking about my life in a 5 degree angle ..;)

At different points of my life, I had thought about this life as, as useless as a garbage bin. I found nothing, which was worth a look in the life. I never thought that I can ever be happy in a married life.
But now I feel so stupid of myself. If I had not agreed for a marriage!! I can’t imagine.
I feel blessed ... I am enjoying each and every moment of my life with the gifts my LORD has bestowed upon me. My Husband’s love and care, my daughters laugh and play, my parents prayers and love, my sister’s affection and love, my brother’s care..

Akaleyenkilum nin mandahasam njan kaanunnu
Akaleyenkilum nin hrudayaspandanam njan kelkkunnu
Mazhapeythirangunna ee raavil
Ninnnude ormakal ente ullil pranayam viriyikkunnu..

When I closed my eyes, I saw you inside,
When I opened my eyes, I saw you there,
I cant sleep, just because of you
I woke up, just like another day..

Part of me I hate the most

I desperately wanted to scribble something or else my heavy heart will pour the salty water.
This is part of me worrying about nothing. Just nothing. Crying inside. Lost.
I feel alone though everyone is around me
I feel hungry though my stomach is full
I feel lost though i am in a well planned world
I feel cheated though i have a blessed life!
This is part of me,
Not deserving to be part of the world.
I feel like a wilted rose getting crushed under the boots,
thirsty for a single drop of water, for a breath of air..!
No one can help me except HIM, my Lord.
Ohh..this is part of me I hate the most.

I dreamt a dream- Feb 2009

I dreamt of traveling through the mystic beauty of the world
I dreamt of whirling deep into the ocean blues
I dreamt of meeting the angels guarding the human beings
I dreamt of talking to the fairies who talks only in the tales
I dreamt of the rarest of rare aliens in those worlds
I dreamt of waking from the sleep of the dead
I dreamt of talking to the souls of the beloveds died so before
I dare to dream….the impossible……
I still dare to dream….

well well... 2 years... pretty long time... was tooo busy.... ha ha ha...
now mother of a baby girl... life has changed a lot. way of thinking has changed. way of living has changed...everything changed.. in short i am not i was...
too busy to think about the life which is the reality.... but sometimes like a flash some pictures will come and go... wont get the time to view it properly...the strong arms of present wipes those dreamy flashes...

Abstract Thoughts

Staring the starry sky,
I can hear the sound of the black horse,
Down through the alley,
Running nonchalantly to the destination,
Not bothering the nature’s sleep,

A man walking in the shadows,
Longing to see something lost,
The rays of hope was still falling on the pave
He seems to be still busy searching,
Not annoyed by the long reverberation time,

I wonder what my destination is,
Why am I bothering so much of surrounding,
Why am I not heeding the only call,
I heard somebody whispering,
Seems like talking to me,

Yes, the message is to me though not clear,
Vague like a road in a dew dawn,
It’s becoming more louder,
Now becomes more shrilling,

I can hear it from distance,
“Stop living someone else’s life…..”

I love to be a rebel.... An idiot sometimes...I like to act like a mad person...someone says I am like that only.... But sometimes I feel like I am lost...sometimes I feel like I am Picked by my Lord Himself to be like this...Making the same mistakes again and again...Forgiven by Him again and again...I am proud to be His child...I am always optimistic.... about everything...but you know in each person there is something that is specifically humane.... we cant control ourselves all the time....I love this moment...I don’t regret about the past...nor do I bother about the future.... since He is the one who decides everything...